The Cure For Gamer Face
Welcome to Next Level Gamer's Believe it or Not!
What is this marvel of an invention?
Today's installment is going to target a new product by the fine folks at Gillette. Now, for the first time ever, there is a product specifically designed to trim the contours of the ever difficult surface of the common Gamer's skin. No more will those baron wastelands of concrete gamer stubble shatter your razor, no more will your shaver's neck be snapped in half by the mighty force of your impenetrable facial growth. No my friends, the future is here, the future is now. The future is, the Power Fusion Gamer.
Yes that's right, the ultimate razor with the ever complex facial structure of the Gamer in mind. Finally Gamers the world over can groom themselves to resemble the common masses, to blend in with middle class society, and to feel: Human.
But enough talk, I present to you: the razor of the Gods:
What can the Power Fusion Gamer razor do for me?
That's a good question! Let's find out! Here's a breakdown of this miracle of gaming technology:
1) State of the art five blade technology. One blade for every type of follicle growth the typical Gamer may have. Blade #1 for the steel reinforced stubble. Blade #2 for the face destructing ingrown hairs. Blade #3 for the coarse barbed tendrils. Blade #4 for curly step-child locks. Finally, blade #5 for the wild growing brush with the consistency and density of an Amazon rain forest.
2) A precision trimmer, perfect for the Picasso-like features of the Gamer. Either sever every hair on a difficultly plotted surface of skin without nicks, or gracefully zip your blade around and sever the hairs you only intend; giving you a perfect crop of facial hair you could set a ruler to.
3) A flexible comfort guard that lets the razor navigate like it has a built-in GPS with a map of your face (or whatever piece of your anatomy you wish to deforest).
4) An on-board microchip that regulates the power that courses through your magnificent instrument. Seriously, it has a microchip. Are you wet yet?
5) A low battery indicator. No more will you have to take the risk of shaving while being constantly plagued by the fear of your razor kicking the bucket half-way through... leaving you a horrid visage of hairy patchwork that makes women scream and babies cry.
6) An automatic shut-off feature that will deactivate your razor in case of accidental power on, preserving the longevity of your lithium cells. A team of German scientists spent months preparing the algorithm to calculate the optimal time setting for this, resulting in a time of approximately eight minutes (approximately, as the actual number is similar in it's decimal placing as pi).
7) A battery power enclosure, giving your razor the ability to use "micropulses" to give you the cleanest, closest, most comfortable shave you will ever have in your freaking life.
Are you a technophile? Do you still use words like "Xtreme!"? Must you have the latest in razor technology? Then buy the damn thing, and don't forget your Jergens hand lotion.